Humiliation and Restitution
After the Resolute Deskapades comic strips ran, I was contacted by the Secret Service. Well, to be clear, they showed up at my door again…in full tactical gear. It seems they felt the 3-days of poking fun at myself for getting caught red-handed with the Resolute Desk, was not nearly enough humiliation. Their exact words: “We want you to suffer in ways you can’t even imagine.”
Needless to say, I was not thrilled to see them; or their attitude.
So in addition to having a couple of stool-pigeons in my employ, I also have a Federal agency with pretty much unlimited power watching my every move.
When they arrived to take the desk back, I was accused of slipping into the Oval Office to abscond with it under the cover of darkness, but the truth is, I found it on Craigslist. Got a pretty good deal on it, too.
It was a real steal. Literally.
I coveted the desk because of its historical significance. After the United States found the HMS Resolute adrift in the Arctic in 1855 and returned it to England, Queen Victoria had the ship dismantled and used some of the timbers to build three desks – one of which was a gift to President Rutherford B. Hayes in 1880. It has been used by every president since Hayes, except for Presidents Johnson, Nixon, and Ford, although it wasn’t always used in the Oval Office.
While conducting research for a new comic several months ago (okay, my “research” is usually reading Mad Magazine), I came across some images of John Kennedy, Jr. playing while his father worked, and was peeking out from the kneehole that President Franklin D. Roosevelt had installed in the desk. This fueled my desire to possess the desk, and thus, the search began.
I’m guessing the removal of the desk was an inside job. Kevin Kline showed us the secret underground tunnels at the White House in one of his movies, so my conspiracy theory is they moved it out that way.
For my ‘crime’ I was ordered to re-run the comic strips, but do them all at once for full impact. They wanted the world to see exactly how I was embarrassed, and to make certain the humiliation was so ‘yuuuge’ that I’d never recover. It was meant to send a message to anyone who had similar goals of world domination.
Little do they know I’m used to being embarrassed, and laughed it off as if it never even happened. I’m sure there’s an unflattering medical term for something like this.
So here they are – in all their glory. All three days together, re-run under extreme protest.
Just so you know I will get that desk back. Eventually. It’s just a matter of time, so stay tuned.